3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just puked most of my soul out..
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