I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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