so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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