So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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