Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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