I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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