The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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