Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
