I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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