The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
