i was born a porn star she said
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
