The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize