my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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