Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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