I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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