My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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