Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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