"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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