i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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