Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
