She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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