What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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