So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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