haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
