his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
