It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
