I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
