There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
