How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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