drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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