I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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