and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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