How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
