toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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