I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
