do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
