I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
