who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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