Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it