Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying