I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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