Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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