And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
