Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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