im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
