My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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