I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
