Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
