Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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