Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
