you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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