just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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