I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
