my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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